Tiffany swore if her guitar had a voice, it would've said nasty things to her for over the past twelve minutes.

"You failure, if you want to write songs, why can't you play the guitar?"
"Have concentration, will ya? Ten minutes strumming chords and then abandoning me for five days won't get you anywhere."
"You left college to 'make it', and where are you now? Living with someone else and no where to go."
"You should've stuck to college. You'd probably do better at an office job anyways."

"No, I wouldn't." mumbles the tired twenty-something. She reaches for the discarded notepad on her bed and glares at it, examining the hasty scrawls and occasional doodles in the margin. Groaning in frustration, she lightly tosses it into a corner of her bedroom and walks out to the living room, where her friends are gathered.

The first to look up is a short haired Asian. "Tee, y'alright?" If it weren't for the soft way those words were spoken, one couldn't tell that Shizuna was female. "You look exhausted."

"More like something drove over you, reversed and did it again." says Sebastian, looking at her upside down from tilting his chair dangerously. His twin, Emilien, nods. "Shouldn't you be resting? With that cold and all."

Tiffany makes an incoherent noise and walks to the water dispenser and fills her cup. "Dun wanna." she mutters. "Still need a song." She can feel the eyes trained on her and shifts her weight uncomfortably. "I'm working on it." she says with a tone of defiance, "I'll get it done."

"Yeah, but when?" Says Mark, his glasses flashing as he looks at her from the table. "You told us a month ago you wanted to form a band with us and signed up for that-that 'Battle Of The Bands' competitions, which is three weeks away, and we still don't have a song?"

"It's not that easy!" Tiffany shouts back, her voice hoarse and thick from all the coughing. "What d'you think I'm doing in my spare time? Playing around? I know what I asked from you all, and I'm trying to do my part!" Forcing out the last word, she set her cup aside to cough and sniffle harshly. Shizuna went to her side and led her back to the bedroom. "Tee, go get some rest, how are you going to concentrate enough to write a song in this state anyways?" Mark ignored the nasty look aimed at him.

The bed room door closed with a click and two pairs of eyes swiveled to meet Mark's brown ones. "Maybe you should apologize to her." suggests Emilien, reaching for a cookie only to have it eaten out of his hands by Sebastian. "She really should stop making empty promises, or at least, think before she makes any promises. Does she even know how hard we'll need to practice in order to compete?"

"Maybe she does know." says Shizuna, shutting the door behind her and joining them at the table. "Maybe she really is trying, she just has problems. Either way," Mark ignores her gaze again and downs his cup of milk. "You owe her an apology. And a talk."

Feeling the pressure of being stared at, he finally gives in. "Fine," he says, pushing his chair in resignedly, "But I really don't see how I can help."

Opening her door, Mark first notes that the room is dark, the curtains drawn completely. After his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is able to make out a lump on the bed and he addresses it. "Tiffany? Are you awake?" he says softly, stepping forward. The sound of paper crinkling stops him, and he looks down at the piece of paper his foot wrinkled.

As he bends down to pick it up, he notices that the entire room is strewn with papers, notepads, notebooks, even bits of napkins from various restaurants. In the dim light, he can barely decipher the lines and loops that is Tiffany's handwriting, but he see them, cross-outs, notes, inserts, scribbles (and sometimes, a bit of dried sauce here and there; those he sets aside to copy and throw away later)

Carefully picking his way across the room, he goes to her bed and stares at where her head should be. "I know you're awake, y'know. You don't fall asleep that fast." he says bluntly. "I would be asleep by now, insensitive jerkwad" retorts Tiffany, her voice muffled by the covers pulled up to her head.

He sits down on the edge of her bed without an invitation ("Gettoff, I'm sleeping.") and opens his mouth only to close it. "Well?" says the muffled voice again, irritably, "Obviously you have something to say."

Mark sighs and takes off his glasses, rubbing his eyes. "I'm sorry for being an insensitive jerkwad," he says, feeling awkward and uncomfortable, "But I'm not gonna apologize for saying that you have to stop making promises you can't keep." Because you'll only be find yourself in situations like this, he adds mentally.

"I said-!" began the bedridden woman, sitting up to retort at her friend, but Mark cut her off. "I know what you said," he says tiredly, "And I know you do get promises done. But I'm trying to say that you make too many promises." Tiffany glares at him, the blood pounding in her head makes her headache even worse and for a second she even considers ignoring the upcoming lecture.

"Right." she says, sliding back into her covers. "You'll be my life coach while I sleep this fever off." Mark huffs in irritation and decides to keep on talking. They both know that they were stubborn and wouldn't let go of an issue once it'c been brought to light.

"You want to do something great, but you overestimate yourself. You try to make yourself seem capable by accepting requests blindly. You pretend to be more capable than you really are..." he stops there and thinks for a while. "And oh, you disregard your own physical health, which leads to you being sick." The sheets rustle for a quick second and her voice is heavily muffled. "What was that?"

"I said, thanks for the analysis. Now whaddya want me to do?" Tiffany croaks from her position. She only wishes that he'd just leave her alone if he was just going to criticize her. "Let us help you. Stop piling more on to your plate when you obviously can't handle everything." says Mark, setting his hand on where her head should be.

Silence, then, "I'm horrible at planning and organizing, aren't I?"

The bespectacled young man chuckles lightly and answers, "You've never been good at it in high school. Can you tell me what parts you're having trouble with when you're all better?" The head nods and that was all he needed as an answer. "Alright," he stood up and carefully walked back to the door. "Are first steps so hard to make?" calls out Tiffany from her bed. Mark turned around and peered into the dim room.

"Yeah. But it gets easier when you have friends."



Oh God, I worked on this since my Thanksgiving post...Ending is a little half-assed but hey,it's midnight, I'm justified to half-ass things, okay?

(Every time I listen to that song, I feel so morbid and feel like...making something, someone bleed)


The great irony about my grandfather's birthday(Nov. 22) is that, I consider him the better of my grandparents, and yet I don't feel much affection for him, only a sense of dry gratitude for teaching me piano and introducing the passion of music to me. Today, on the phone, I called him and only did as much as wish him a happy birthday, good health - then we hung up. Ran out of things to say.

As I'm sending him a picture my sister drew for him and a short letter, I'm only thinking, "This picture is a proof of us not being failures! We may not live up to your expectations, but at least one of us isn't the nothing you all perceive us to be!" It's not that I hate them (okay, maybe I do resent my grandmother), I would be sad if they passed away, it's just that...I blame them for fucking up my life so badly (I also blame my dad for that).

I might as well let this be a heartdump and live up to my motto of "wearing my heart on my sleeve".

I hate myself for being a failure and a 'Daisy Buchanan' combined with 'Jay Gatsby'. I dream too big and lose sight of my capabilities. I leap before I look, and I often lose interest in things before they can grow wings. I always do enough to get by, but not enough to soar the skies. I lack real talent, but I delude myself with visions of grandeur. I hate myself for hating and hating myself. I despise what the world has come to, and yet I wouldn't want most of it to change. I want to stay a child forever, nevertheless time is ruthlessly pushing us all forward.

"I'll prove to you all that you all were wrong in the past and I'm not a failure. In the future, you'll see, and I'll be the one with my head held high and unafraid."

12 weeks since my last update! And for a good reason as well, SO MUCH SHIT HAS HAPPENED! Break up(more like I dumped him but I don't GIVE A FLYING FUCK!), junior year is being as awesome as ever all thanks to my sister moving in! And my mom as well. I don't care that they might all be going back to Taiwan in a few months, them being here for now, even if it's only for now, is just about enough to make my six months amazing.

Speaking of high school and my sister, we are collaborating with Ethan, our friend and upperclassman(holy shit this is weird in English). He approached us with the idea of helping him make his comic ('Becoming Bishi' is the temporary title) and I agreed and dragged my sister as well(she would've said yes anyways). Everything is going smoothly and hell, he does his research thoroughly.  We are learning so much from this experience. And now I realize I need that much drive and focus to get anything started and done.

AAAAAAAND, JUST TOOK THE PSAT TODAY! First time for my sister(I'm just gonna call her 'crazyfox' from now) so she kept asking me a lot and I guess I got really exasperated with her, but at least I didn't lose it. c:


And that's all for now! Everything has been very busy and hectic, but I'm so loving it.

First update. I've got the six main characters. Or five. I've made it so they're all necessary, or at least, they kinda complement and are the essentials to a music group. Band. A rock band.

And since my sis isn't here, I've asked a friend, Ethan, to do the artwork as commissions for me. So far he's done one character, and it's looking good! I still wish I remembered to tell him about the glasses though...he didn't draw those. But I like how he did something different with the hair, and I like it better than what I originally suggested.

So...I'll post that character right now!

Hold on, focus, steady! Tell the folks at home what you're doing, Roger?

-Mark Cohen from RENT


Mark Nathaniel Morissey (can't spell the last name...does that last name even exist?!)
Age: 21
6'
125 lbs  (He's one tall and skinny motherfucker)

Guitarist, backing vocals, and lyricist/composer.

Wears thick rimmed glasses off-stage, but contacts on stage.
Likes jackets, and has one collared jacket that he wears nearly everyday and every concert.

Shy, protective of <character names here>. Will explain the connections once I post every character. Secretive, and has a tendency to lie. And painfully blunt? Dunno yet. Muses have yet to conk me with the Idea Hammer.


I need to save this and expand on it soon. Once I finalize his appearance and get it commissioned, I'll post a link or whatever.

Long title that has nothing to do with a song, no? Anyways, long since I've updated...lotsa stuff happened! And I'm too lazy to update every day it seems. <__<

Okay...Summer school! I've fell asleep several times in the first two weeks. And finally? My teacher snapped and came up to me, well, she slapped my desk to make me wake up and said that I'd be getting kicked out of Summer School if I didn't pull myself together and find a way to not sleep in her class. The next day I went to the student center...and FOUND A COFFEE VENDING MACHINE! *coffeewhorekoffkoff* Anyways, spent two days on coffee (black shit loads of sugar, from the taste of it), and you know what? That shit is STRONG. Then again, it's pure black coffee with a lot of sugar, because it didn't taste bitter at all. On the third day? I think? I stopped drinking, because my uncle also found out that I was getting up late, so he gave me a 11:30 curfew or at least, computer off by 11:30 and sleep before midnight. Anyways, I'm trying to detox, and...I'm doing okay. Fell asleep once every day, mostly, otherwise, I just nod and shake to stay awake. (lol that rhymed)

RENT: I'm re-obsessed with it. I went to the local library and guess what? I found the original Broadway recording! Sure it was scratched so my CD players didn't like it. But my computer plays it just fine. I really hope that the school decides to produce RENT for the annual musical. I really do. I'd audition for Joanne or Mimi. I'd have some problems with the dancing number during 'Out Tonight' though...Seriously. What weird is, our teacher made us research on Bohemians a few days ago. XD I nearly belted out the lyrics to 'La Vie Boheme' in class.

I'ver never mentioned this before, but I'll start from...the start. (I lol) I've been flat as flat could be since I grew 'lumps' (I love/hate my lumps. They get in the way but make clothes look good at the same time). So my bras became quite mangy and worn, but I've never bothered to replace with new-newer ones. Big mistake, in Taiwan when Summer is hot as FUCKING hot can get. Humid to boot. Seriously. Fungus could have a field day growing there. I don't even know what 'field day' means! Anyways, in short, my bras itched and so did my nipples. I scratched, and one day went overboard, and ripped the skin off. Body fluids have been flowing out for two years now? It's been better since coming to SoCal anyways, since it's dry, but the damn area hasn't healed yet! Only my mom and dad know, or at least, until today, because my parents told my uncle as well. Then again, I mentioned to Mom that it hasn't healed but gotten better. And now she thinks I have breast cancer. Erm, WTF plz? The family tells me to sleep au natural, and my uncle tells me to go au natural at home all the time! Oh wow. That coming from someone random would be weird as hell, but...I actually trust my uncle, but still. It's weird as fucking weird can get. Gonna be calling the family doctor (literally. The doctor is a cousin of my dad) to talk and see if I need to go back to Taiwan and get treated. If it's a trick to keep me there, then fuck no. Not on my fucking LIFE.

Watched 'Watchmen' last night. Thank God I read the comic first and got to familiarize with the whole storyline before watching, since I've heard from people that liked the movie say that it's best to know the comic first before watching the movie, otherwise, there'd be a parade of question marks and irritation squiggles above the head. Rorschach is now officially made of win in my head. Uncle was surprised at how undisturbed I was during the violence and gore scenes. I think I was getting queasy, but I just tried not to show it. I definitely was queasy during the sechs and raep scenes, though...weird having a grownup sit next to you, commenting on the historical backgrounds when the screen is depicting people moving...like...y'know...sechs. I think I might pay Barnes&Noble another visit when Summer School is over. I think I feel a new obsession wave coming...

Writing a fiction, or at least, creating the characters now. Ethan is drawing two of the mains as a commission for me. I think I can see how I'm going to play the whole thing out. I just hope the creative waves keep of waving at me,  it seems so good! I don't want it to fade. Not like all the characters I've made before...

Large update, but hell, it's to make up for absence. XD Might be able to persuade Uncle to get 'Repo! The Genetic Opera' and let me watch it...who knows? I'm liking my life a lot now...

Just got a mail from Pink.

Seems that I'm not the only nostalgic person around here, and it seems that I'm not the only one who remembers. She sent me her blog, privated and passworded with something that I'd know.

She remembers how we first had contact, how I first came into class. She forgot whether I or another student came first into the class of #07. She forgot whether I came in first or second semester.

But no matter. She chronolised the class society, how four girls became acquaintances, then became friends, and then influenced and changed the society of our class.

To be honest, the first and foremost reason I befriended her was because we were both the outcasts of the class. I the snobby newcomer from another country, and she the person that keeps sleeping in class. If I recall correctly, I stood up for her once when the other classmates were picking on her for constantly falling asleep. Afterwards, I went over to her and noticed her backpack was covering in scrawls, doodlings, and random slogans. I made a comment on one of them and the next day, she brought me a newspaper article about that particular slogan. We became friends ever since.

Pink (then called Blue), and I later made friends with Sharon (Shishou), and Jessie (Great Momma) in our second year, and started to influence the whole class with yaoi and stuff. The outcast duo influencing the class with some help, imagine! We were at our greatest, I think.

Reality started to set in in our third and last year. With the tests coming up, I couldn't help her much, and started to drift away. And with my internet addiction, Sharon and Jessie began leave as well. I realized that I had nearly no one to talk to, except for Pink. We still chatted on a normal basis, exchanging ideas, thoughts, dreams whenever possible.

Pink: You're a great friend, y'know that? I think I can guess why you changed your name from 'Blue' to 'Pink'; the transformation from the quiet, shy, and slightly reclusive girl, to the more outgoing person you are now. You were the first person I 'saved', and my first success as my self-proclaimed role of 'Saint'.

Heeeey, everyone. I'm pretty sure not a lot of people come here and read stuff, but hey, it never hurt to pretend right?

Ever since moving away from my mom and my sis(basically, my family), and living in with my uncle, I've sorta realized that, as long as you don't go across certain borders, you have a sense of freedom.
Like, I don't have to worry if I'm not paying my sis enough attention, or something, I can just go do whatever I want to do. Like...staying up until late at night watching 1997 Fox's 'Anastasia' over and over again.

What can I say? It's a sense of nostalgia that compels me. And the fact that good stuff are rare nowadays, so I'd rather revert to watching the good, ole classics.

I don't need to share, I don't need to synchronize my lifestyle with someone else's. As longs as my uncle doesn't know anything about this, I'm perfectly safe. Along with other...ah, 'Dirty Little Secrets' I'm hiding up my sleeves and in my pockets.

Okay, mostly because I have the most time at night, though I'm very active in the morning. Pay back time will be soon, I'm sure of it. But when else can I do what I want without any interruptions and guilt that I'm being overly selfish?

Oh, by the way, my sophomore year is almost over. This month the 18th in fact. Then i'll be going to summer school, cram school, then I'll be a Junior. The only thing worth look forward to is my sister and mom coming over, and 'Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen'.

And on another note: HOLY FUCK, I never knew the singer for Metro Station was Miley Cyrus's older brother....great. Fucken' A.

If this page were blank
I'd write what I think about anything
Anything to ease my mind from
Ideas bursting in my head

The most colorful fireworks
Can't compare to how it feels
To have one inspiration after another
Erupt into mind

Excuse me if I don't respond
I should be wandering in my head
Conceiving new fantasies
My children, beloved

I can't believe what I heard from my mother.

I planned on calling home tonight/last night, since it was what I always did to keep in touch with my family. What surprised me was, they called first; they planned on going out of town to have a trip in a hotel for one night, so they called to let me know, so they wouldn't miss my call.

I also had to ask my parents about my passport renewals, since I couldn't connect to the website with the schedules, I wanted to ask them if they still wanted me to renew them or not. Prior to the phone call, my uncle was helping me with finding the website for foreign passport renewals, and he was telling me that it wasn't exactly necessary for me to renew my US passport, since I wouldn't be leaving the country in a long time, whereas my other passport was an understandable emergency.

So I asked my mother whether they still wanted me to renew both or not, this is what she replied:

You need to reply both, regardless whether you'll need it or not, because if something comes up, you won't know and it'll take too much time for the process to be done. What if I die here, and you have to come for my funeral huh? You need to come back for my business, and take care of the funeral, otherwise, you don't come back at all.

After her last sentence, I was stunned at the sheer audacity. My own mother, had just threatened me with another of her 'funeral' stories. I'm pretty sure she knew that I was a sucker for those, because of my previous history of reacting horribly to one when I was young, and if I wanted to bring that theory further, she was using my weakness against myself.

I held of to the receiver quietly, while I heard my father yelling in the background to not be so insensitive, not use such harsh language, and he took the receiver from her. He made it clear that the conversation was over by summarizing everything up, with a last few requests, said good night and hung up.

I'm very upset and disappointed with my mother. She wasn't like this before, and I'm willing to bet it's all because of my grandmother's influence working its poison though my mother's head.

We're like the photographic negatives, because we bring each other out
But I'm not having so much success
Negatives wash out to be positives
Not the other way around

Let's profit off our misery
Anyone can write a song sad enough
To make you gut yourself
We're all going down anyways
So what's the point?

I'm sorry, hello there
I forgot what my point was
Oh well, let's start over again
Self introduction please!

We've forgotten ourselves
So tell me really
Who are we?

...For a coin operated boy.

Relationships, especially teenage romance, are WAAAY too glamorized. It's not right, and not accurate at all.

How am I going to deal with this? I don't break promises, and I don't like lying about stuff like this, but I can't handle having to be with someone and DO my own stuff at the same time. Now I know why my mom had warned me about getting into this kind of mess.I feel bad if I go do something I want, cause he'll make me feel like I'm neglecting him, but if then I'll feel like I'm giving up all the possibilities for something stupid. Yes, stupid, because then you have to share. Then you have no freedom. Then, there will be someone else.

I don't want to be caged. I still want to be able to whatever I want without feeling tied down to anyone or anything. Is that too much to ask? Why do we have to grow up?! Why all the responsibility?! I get that life isn't going to be a smooth paved road, but, why? Why CAN'T it be smooth? What if we never knew more than we needed to, and could just live perfectly, without having to give anything a single damn?

Am I still able to save him? Or am I the one in need of saving? I secretly claim to be a self-titled 'Saint', but am I really living up to the title? Or am I still someone that is lost, and wearing layers of masks?

I think I had too much comfort in my life. So much that I need a Coin Operated Boy?

Since anachronism means something that's not in it's right time period...I feel that I am not in mine.

See, I've been moving back and forth so many times, it feels like, a bit of me stays behind and comes back, but it never did change. Unless I'm just immature beyond normal human standards, I think my formal seventh grader self is trying to catch up with being in high school. Now that I think about it, it does make sense in a way.

I had went to North Cal for Middle school, and I was enrolled as a seventh grader. I didn't get to finish a semester, and went back to Taiwan. Well, here it proves my theory wrong, since I didn't act like a sixth grader when I went back. Most likely because of the shit I had to see before going back. But lately, I realize, I am NOT like a high school student at all. I often spend time wishing everything was simpler. I keep on dreaming that time would either go back or stop. I wish I didn't need to know all the responsibilities I would have eventually. It's like being a kid without having to answer to whatever you do, or worry about the future, and suddenly thrust into the future without knowing how you even got there in the first place.

Or may be...I'm just simplistic and nice, since I rarely get upset with people. I might have some first-impression-judgments but I don't pick fights or be extremely difficult with them.

Or maybe I did leave a bit of me behind in time...

Finally, after God-know-how-many months, I've updated my Livejournal....

Life's been a little hectic, mostly because of me. And all the hiatus was mostly because of me being extremely lazy and such. I can say that creative juices have been coursing inside me, well, mainly because of my obsession with 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' being re-ignited, and some Fall Out Boy songs that I can't get out of my head. And that is because I have to listen to 'From Under the Cork Tree' every morning as mental coffee so I don't fall asleep.

It goes like this: Alarm goes off at 6:15~20 am. I shut that goddamn thing off turn my alarm off. Crawl to the side of my bed, plug in the radio/CD player, hit the play button and wait for the CD to start.

If it starts, I change, and crawl back under my sheets, until the second ("Of All the Gin Joints In All the World") or third song ("Dance Dance"), I get up and out of bed. And if doesn't I wait until it does, but I'll get out of bed earlier. See, I use the song lengths
 as indicators of how much time has passed, so I won't get out of bed too late. Though, there are times where I can manage to fall back asleep. And the results aren't pretty.

There are some songs that quite fit me and mon paramour, though...I'd make an entire list, and somehow make a cracked up musical of some kind....Oh, shit.

Song is by Fall Out Boy by the way, title is too goddamn long.

Typically writers go out to find various things to write bout, be it fiction or real life. Sometimes, they can just stay in their room, read books, and use their imagination to find something to write. At least, that’s what I’m trying to do. Emphasize the ‘try’.

Ever had ‘Writer’s Block’ before? I’d say that it’ pretty much the bane of my existence. I pick a song that gives of the ‘story’ vibe, and listen to it over and over again, until my ears might bleed from the same notes and lyrics ringing throughout my mind. And all the while my mind has become a blank state…

As for reading, I used to be able to pick out a book that caught my eye, and devour it in an hour or two. Now, either I’m getting too picky with materials, or I’m just losing the willpower to read. I still try to pick things that I have interest in, but of a different genre, like the transition from fiction to non-fiction. Well, of course, if my reason is because of some kind of school project, it would not suffice. It has to be of my own will.

A good thing is, I still try to exercise of writing muscles by writing short poems, or haikus whenever I feel like it. Or whenever I’m in the mood for one. Mood is important, because it’s not faked, when you’re angry, let the words be angry. That’s it, no polishing, no explaining. Otherwise, whatever you write won’t be what you are.

Hopefully I can find the inspiration to write again, because there’s nothing that can compare to the feeling of creating a small world that belongs to oneself.

Setting: room H8, FTW (For The Win. aka: Video Game Club) Club meeting. Lunch

(Super Smash Bros. Brawl: Captain Falcon vs. Captain Falcon)
or
(Joel vs GJ)

Now, I'm not quite sure how it all started, or what the actual words were, but they were something to this effect, and I'll try and keep this as true as my memory can possibly allow. And if I recall correctly, Joel was pwning  GJ at the time it started...


Joel: Capt. Falcon PINK
GJ: Capt. Falcon BLACK

Joel: How could you do this to me? I thought you leaned that way...You LIED!
(Capt. Falcon BLACK damage percentage rises after getting a few blows from Capt. Falcon PINK)
GJ: I was raped by you...(retaliates, and does damage to PINK)...AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT!

After that point I think one of them got Falcon Punched off the screen. And they did some weird..."scoop scoop" thinga-ma-bobs will their characters to each other after wards...

(Meta Knight vs. Capt. Falcon)
or
(Jake, I think vs GJ)

Jake: Meta Knight
GJ: Captain Falcon

GJ: I will Falcon Punch my way to victory! (Starts to use Falcon Punch continuously)
Jake: (Keeps getting hit) Hey, hey, STOP IT! Start fighting me and take it like a man!
GJ: Well, you're taking it like a man, so you go ahead and be the man instead.
(after a while, Jake get's knocked off the screen)
Jake: What? No! How can that be?
(GJ is laughing at his own luck)
GJ: (to me)If I manage to do this again a second time, I'm seriously going to laugh.
(A few minutes later)
GJ: FALCON...PAUNCH!!!! (seriously, that's what it sounds like...)
Jake: (Meta Knight flies off the screen) WHAT?!
(GJ laughs hysterically, and me with him as well. Note: I was eating my lunch, and nearly couldn't swallow my rice)


Ahhh, how I love my life. :]

Ooh, the irony. To think that I actually HATED you for what you've done. Even though I knew I was to blame as well. Did you know that I was told to not correspond with you anymore? But I still want to stay in contact with you, for old time's sake.

Am I pathetic? For wanting to hang on to the past? When I can just let it go, and live in the present. That's why I've been told to not be in contact with you. Because you, you are something of the past, something that's good to remember, and something bad to remember at the same time.

Funny, since the last time I saw you, I got the impression that you never wanted to see me, much less talk to me ever again. And yet now, I see mails from you, depicting how you want to get with me again. Acting like nothing happened, like that slight apologize will patch everything up, like I'll accept without a question. Like I saw you as someone that was important in my life? Oh you were, you once were. But that was before what you did, regardless of some of it being my own fault.

Now, what do expect of me? A friendly response? Or shall I pretend to be an endless abyss in which you are throwing your pleas into?

Probably of the scenes I like the most. Actually, screw that. I like the whole move, but I love how their voices made a perfect...erm, harmonic? I dunno what the correct term is.

And really, ever since I knew that I had the same first name as Christine Daae (I was around 7 and I, for some reason, had problems accepting that a lot of first names are shared by someone else), I wanted to have a voice like that. Well, regardless of the fact that the original musical had Sarah Brightman, and the movie had Emmy Rossum, and I'm pretty sure they sound different.

Okay, I lied. I'm more aiming toward Rossum, since I don't have too much of an impression of Sarah Brightman as Christine, but as Blind Mag.

Alright, this entry might comtine tomorrow(or today, in the afternoon, if you want to get technical). It's really late, and I can't believe I actually stayed up to type up an half-assed entry, much less actually POST, just because I'm having a goddamned writer's block.

Okay, I'm just random, having too much to deal with(not really), and simply lazy. Yay me. /sarcasm.

Well, I can't say that I didn't have it coming, since I definitely deserved it. My uncle has been having little conversations with me, regarding my study habits, my grades/ courses, shutting myself up in the bed room for an entire day, my sleeping patterns as well.
Why, my sleeping patterns? Because I'm the only one that is still awake at midnight, regardless of it being the weekends or the weekdays, and they go to bed around 10pm or 11pm...

He constantly tells me, that I'm not here to be the 'Good Girl'. The kind of girl that does what she's told, what her family wishes or something along those lines.

I wonder if he knows that I've been trying to get rid of that image. Hel~lo? This is the girl that grew up WISHING that she could be the princesses in all the classic Disney movies, WISHING to have a romantic love with someone, and finally realizes that her formal ideas were Mary-Sue, and idiotic. I tried to change into someone...not so nice, someone that was rebellious, someone DIFFERENT, someone that was INDEPENDENT...or in short, someone that was capable of being a bitch and getting away with it.

Unfortunately I fail at the 'bitch act', but in a way, is a good thing because that doesn't earn me a lot of friends at all. At least, friends that can be beneficial.

He tells me that, if all I wanted was to be the Good Girl, I could just stay in Taiwan, I didn't need to come all the way to the US. But what if, coming here IS a part of me being a Good Girl? The only reason I felt that strong a pull, a desire to come back is because of all the memories that I have. But I'm facing the reality that it's never going to be the same, and I'm here not because I WANTED, but because my mother KNEW that I wanted, and she wanted me to be educated here as well, so I could become a doctor, or whatever the Hell she wants my future career to be.

I don't want to be the Good Girl, manipulated by people that do it out of the sheer Hell of it, or by the people that want their own wishes, but need other people to do it for them. But why is what I want always seem to be too far-fetched or too conflicting? Why can't I just not give a damn? Why...why...why did the world have to change, and me along with it?

I'm pretty sure I have some sort of Peter Pan complex.

Tapping away on my keyboard

I can hear you losing patience

I’m like the light bulb with my treacherous glamour

And you are the crashing hope to come

You have been warned that no good will come of this

I don’t get why you still stick around

Cut yourself with a scalpel

No you can’t make a sound

After all this time what was the point

“I love you” were words we couldn’t afford

I don’t know if it was worth it all

“I’d cut my heart out for you again”

Walking away in silence

We’re walking walls

Removing bricks when it’s necessary

I don’t know what to tell you

Or even how to tell you what I feel